In search of a Sugar Daddy...

Do you have a "Sugar Daddy"?
Or maybe you are a Sugar Mommy?

What? You laugh?

Maybe you haven't read the signs.

And by that I mean these signs...



They read:
"I don't sell myself"
"Accepting gifts does not mean you've accepted sexual relations...refuse the SHUGA DADI.
(or SHUGA MAMI as the case may be)

They are part of a recent campaign in Rwanda to cut down on "inter-generational sex"

The term is very amusing to me, as are the signs.

But the issue they are trying to get at is an important one.

Still, I have a question. Who is a Sugar Daddy?

In this case one assumes that we are talking about an older man "buying" a younger woman often with gifts or other financial incentives. I am assuming that they are suggesting that this Sugar Daddy is not an actual husband. If you marry her, perhaps you cease to be a "Sugar Daddy" and become a proper husband?

The problem is that marriage, like "Sugar Daddy"hood, is often a financial transaction here. It is not exclusively a financial transaction, but that is certainly part of it. Men pay a very real bride price to a woman's family. The process of gifts and payments is extremely long and drawn out, and is certainly seen as essential. While some men are too poor to make these payments, and so begin living with a woman without paying for her, they are usually deeply ashamed of this and it causes a rift in the family, only to be bridged by a belated payment. A young man I know recently made the mistake of sleeping with his neighbor, a young woman of about the same age as himself. They are both around 18 years old and the girl did not get pregnant. None the less, her family was outraged. They had the young man picked up by police and brought him to court. They may have been upset about several issues but the critical one was not that they was too young or irresponsible but rather that he had not paid for her. A goat and two cases of beer were demanded to settle the debt.

So the slogan of "I don't sell myself" seems like an interesting one. A prospective groom is expected to act as a suger daddy to his would-be bride's family. Here in Congo, in addition to the normal payments of goats and cows, a groom must give his mother in law other gifts such as expensive African cloth for her to wear.

I'm not necessarily opposed to the system. It is nice to see such a strong tradition remaining in a culture that often seems to be falling apart (I'm speaking of Congo not Rwanda). The elaborate process is also a way of protecting women from rash decisions and inappropriate behavior. It is a way of honoring family, and forces a man to prove his financial stability before embarking on the very expensive process of raising a family.

Of course it also has negative sides, but that is not my point.

It is just interesting to see Rwanda embarking on a campaign to discourage people from seeing male/female relationships as finacial transactions.

Because the reality is that nearly all relationships here have a financial aspect, in a way that makes me, as an American, a bit uncomfortable. I was raised to believe that "you can't buy your friends" and "the best way to lose is a friend is to lend him money". Relationships, whether friend or family or romantic, are supposed to be about love, and if money enters into that, it taints it. I am from the land of hollywood romance. Althugh I have no doubt that finances often figure into marital decisions, we all are supposed to pretend that they do not.

In Africa, the lines are not so clearly drawn. People seem to think "what is a friend, if I can't ask him for money" , and even more so for family members. Money seems to be a well-recognized part of relationships. Friends and family are expected to ask for money at any time, and they are expected to give it.

Sometimes this makes me nervous. I am prone to feel that no relationship is real if money is involved. I like the slogan "I am not for sale" and often find myself wondering if everything here is for sale.

But I must catch myself. I may be from the land of the hollywood romance, but I am also from a land where the size of the diamond in your ring still matters to a lot of people. It is a land where divorce battles are common,and the injured party is compensated with money. And it is a land where families often tear eachother apart over the money in their inheritance.

The reality, as Madonna once sang it, is that "we live in a material world". Both here and in America, money does enter into relationships, the question is simply how we deal with it.

Which perhaps is why the Rwandan sign does not suggest refusing the gift, which would have been the logical advice from my point of view. They simply argue that the gift doesn't obligate you. An interesting, and true, point.

And now that I have done all this thinking,
I gotta tell you...

my husband has been paying my bills for the past three years,
and he did give me some pretty nice gifts before we got married,
And he is older than me, if only by six months...

So maybe I've got my very own SHUGA DADI?

Handicapped sports

I must confess that one of the most discouraging things to me about life here in Goma are the beggars. I just find it such a hopeless state of affairs. Sometimes I think of Mother Teresa, whose life and work I deeply admire, and I remind myself that she herself begged in the streets. So perhaps I am a bit too quick to judge.

But still I find it hard to stomach the begging, partly because it is so widespread. But more-so because it seems like such a denial of possibility. Often the people begging in the streets are handicapped people, offering their disability on display as a demand for compensation from people passing by. Often it is not their fault, this is the life they have been taught to live, and this is all they have been taught to expect.

But so much is possible.

The handicapped people I know are some of the strongest, most innovative people in the world.

Here is an example of exactly what is possible.

This is "Sitball", a version of handicapped volleyball. The rules are similar to volley ball, except of course that you can't stand.

The team here is composed of young men from Rwanda and Congo who have lost the use of one or both of their legs. They, with determination and humility, are changing the culture for handicapped people here. Mapendo, one of the SHONA women, is the only woman on the team. She is number 11.

So check out these young people, playing with all the determination in the world despite their handicaps, or perhaps because of them. It is not an easy game, and I am quite sure that every one of them would beat me if I were to have the courage to leave the sidelines.

New SHONA interns

We have just begun to train our two new interns, Riziki and Solange (pictured above). They are incredible young women, both handicapped from polio, who truly deserve the chance to become independent craftswomen. For this month it will cost us $100 to train each intern and provide for her living expenses. Would you like to sponsor one of these women? We are accepting donations for any amount that you would like to contribute, and will provide you with specific information about how your contribution is being used. Follow this link...

Can you imagine growing up in a war-zone, as a young handicapped girl, barely able to walk? What you must realize is that the war in Congo is not a war fought with battle lines and tanks, a war in which there are clear lines between civilians and soldiers. The war in Congo is ugly, in every sense of the word. It has seeped into the daily fabric of life, destroying every place of refuge. What war means to the people of Eastern Congo is that soldiers (from any number of waring groups) may appear in their village and in their homes at any time. And too often those soldiers will steal their crops, burn their home, and rape the women and girls.

And so people run. But how do you run if you are handicapped?

Argentine, one of the SHONA women, tells incredible stories of her mother. As a child, Argentine was completely unable to use her legs at all. She grew up in Masisi, a beautiful area of Congo which has been the ravaged by war for years. As the war grew worse and neighbors and family members fled, Argentine's mother faced perhaps the most difficult question a mother could face. How could she protect her oldest daughter and her younger children with no money and no means of transportation?

She went to the forest and looked for a quiet place. She dug a ditch and surrounded it by branches. Then she carried Argenine on her back and placed her in the ditch. She told her, I have to leave to look for food, but I will return every two days. Stay here and stay quiet. No one will see you. If i don't return after two days, go and look for help. God will protect you. But Argentine's mother always returned. Argentine stayed in that ditch for months at a time, and today she credits her mother for saving her life during that time. What a terrible story of war, but a beautiful story of a mother's love.

But what happens when you have no mother to carry for you?

Solange, our new intern, has this story. She grew up in the same war-torn area as Argentine, and with the same inability to walk. But her parents died when she was a child. Her grandmother and aunt cared for her when they could, but there came a time when everyone had to run. And she was left behind. Her relatives told her to stay in the house and she would be fine. And so she stayed all alone in the house as the world ran away. Soldiers eventually arrived. Miraculously they didn't touch her. They stole some things and then asked her why she was still in the house. They told her that she had to leave, because others would arrive and they wouldn't be so kind. So she made her own way to a small forest near her house. And hid there.

Eventually Solange made it to Goma and was treated at the Handicapped Center. She has just completed four years there, during which she underwent an operation to straighten her legs, learned to stand again, learned to read and write, and sew. Last week, she graduated from the Handicapped Center, and was required to move out. And yet again, she was faced with the question of where to go. She has no home to go back to. It has been destroyed by the war. Her two siblings live in a refugee camp, along with her aunt. And yet she has learned a skill, and she is ready to begin a life on her own.

But she is not alone. Argentine and Mapendo are here to help her on her way. Solange and Riziki have moved in with Argentine and Mapendo, and are working side by side with them, to train them. They are teaching them classes, monitoring their progress and guiding them each step of the way. We hope that at the end of the internship, the women will be able to join SHONA as full-time craftswomen.

But this part, the internship, is what it is all about. I have spent a year and a half working with Argentine and Mapendo so that one day that would be able to teach others.

We could have grown a lot faster. We could have added interns sooner and brought in "experts" to teach them. But I wanted the SHONA women to become the teachers. That takes time, and it takes a lot of training.

But I truly believe that this is the way forward. These women will make the best teachers because they have been there themselves.

After all, they are the ones who hid in the forest. They deserve to be the ones to lead the way out.

Argentine is teaching Riziki and Solange. You can't imagine how long it took her to prepare that poster, but she did it herself.

New website and new shipment

I can scarcely believe it myself!

We have a new website, a new logo, and and a brand new shipment!

Come and check out the awesome work that NT Global did on our website. Some of you may remember that a while ago I wrote a despairing entry about technology. In a nutshell I said "ahhhhh...I am never going to be able to do all of this!"

To which I promptly received a number of offers of help. Imagine that!

NT Global does business and technology solutions. Just what we needed. They have donated their services to redesign our website, and they have done a marvelous job. So check us out and check them out.

On our website you will see our new logo. That was designed by another company that has donated its services. Rena at Ali Pro Services has designed our logo, as well as designing all new brochures and labels for us. She has an amazing eye for design, and is fabulous to work with. So check her out as well.

And of course come and see what our craftspeople have been working on. Our new stock is in, but it is going quickly!

And I almost forgot to mention our new blog. Don't worry, I will still keep writing this blog as my personal blog, but our website now has an official SHONA blog. I wrote an inaugural entry there, and am not sure if anyone is going to find it, so please do stop by and leave a comment.

Many thanks to NT Global, Ali Pro Services, and all of you.

Indepdence Day in Goma: Part II

Argentine and Mapendo (two of the SHONA women) spent last night trying to decide where to hide. They heard shooting and assumed the town was being attacked. After all, Eastern Congo is still a war-zone. When the sound of explosions eventually quieted, they tried to go to sleep, assuring themselves that it had just been a random gun-battle.

This morning they arrived at class and I asked them what they thought of last nights events. They said, "Yes that was a lot of shooting. We thought the war was starting again."

In fact it was fireworks. Yesterday was Independence Day in Congo and a fireworks display ran for at least half an hour last night. I couldn't see the fireworks from my house, and apparently Argentine and Mapendo couldn't see them from their hiding spots. But we could all hear the explosions, and I have to say that it was as long and impressive sounding a display as I have ever heard.

I, for one, am not suprised the a fireworks display in a region which is still a war-zone, would scare the living daylights out of people. They announced it on the radio beforehand but many people, like Argentine and Mapendo, didn't hear the warnings and were left to assume the worst.

Here is the incident as reported by Reuters...


GOMA, Congo, June 30 (Reuters) -
"Independence day fireworks sent terrified Congolese sprinting for cover on Tuesday in fear that war had broken out again in their eastern city.

Officials had organised the display in Goma to highlight efforts to end more than a decade of conflict in the Democratic Republic of Congo and to show a sign of normal life returning to the region, where a peace deal took hold in January.

But residents feared it was a raging gun battle."

Especially in many rural areas, Eastern Congo is still a war zone, with or without a fireworks display. In too many places villagers still sleep in the forests for fear of being attacked in their homes.


And even in Goma, security is a distant dream. Look at Mapendo's comment...

"Yes that was a lot of shooting".

Mapendo said this today, in a casual sort of way, well-after she had time to decide that the "war" had not actually started again. Still, it seemed entirely probable to her, that with or without a war, a raging gun battle could be conducted nearby. What kind of peace is this that the average citizen does not even need a war to explain over thirty minutes of intense explosions and shooting?

Independence Day in Congo.

Tomorrow is a big day in Congo.

It is the 30th of June. The celebration of independence of Congo. This is a big holiday throughout the country, and particularly here in Goma. The president of Congo, and even the presidents of a number of other countries will be here in Goma tomorrow. In fact many of them have already arrived in anticipation of the festivities.

In case I have confused you, Goma is not the capital of Congo, far from it. It is not the most logical place to invite hot shots of all sorts to celebrate this grand holiday. It is an unruly city on the very edge the country. But it precisely this reputation as the Wild west (or rather Wild East) of Congo, that has led the President to choose to celebrate here.

So for the past month Goma has been a giant dust bowl. The roads of Goma, which are perpetually in a ridiculous state of disrepair, have been dug up, marked off, and attacked with a variety of roadwork tools. Road workers have appeared out of nowhere and worked day and night over the past month, to turn Goma into a presentable city.

Today is the 29th. Many of the roads remain dug up, full of dust, and half-finished at best. However street lights have been "planted" along some of the main roads and I am told that they will shine for the first time this evening. Walls along the main roads have been repainted and buildings that have remained unfinished for months, have suddenly been finished.

A market on the edge of town has been completely redone and fair grounds have been created. Apparently there are some pretty snazzy looking places around here somewhere.

African cloth

A while ago, one reader wrote...

" I'd love to read a blog about the fabrics you use for the SHONA clothing...where you buy it, where it comes from, how you choose the fabrics, what the ladies think of these fabrics (for instance, would they wear them, or do they think of them just as "American" style?)....

The cloth that we use is all bought locally. This means that I venture into "Birere", which is the most dirty and chaotic section of Goma in order to buy wholesale. I usually enjoy the venture, because there is no better way to get the flavor of Goma, but it does involve picking my way through the mud and trash-strewn streets, and pushing my way through crowds. I have come to know all of our vendors pretty well by now, so that once I make it into their shops, I find a haven from the chaos outside.

The first thing I am looking for is cloth that was made in Africa. There are many so-called African cloths that are actually made in China or Thailand. They are usually copies of cloths designed in West Africa, so that they look "African" even though they aren't. This is particularly difficult because even when cloths are made in Asia they are often printed to say "Real Nigerian Cloth". I have found a couple vendors who I am pretty confident are selling real African cloth, so I try to stay with them.

The next thing I look at is the color and design. Goma is a great place to buy cloth. They have a wide variety of beautiful, striking cloths here. But I must admit that my first choice of cloth is often not quite the same as that of my Congolese friends. For Congolese taste, it is all about the most bright, bold, and shiny new cloth available. Just like fashion followers in the US, Congolese women are looking for the hot new design that no one else has yet. Some of these cloths have wild assortments of colors, and the concept of colors "matching" seems to have a taken on a whole different meaning here. Some of the designs are also quite wild. There are quite a number of cloths that feature images of household items. There is one that has the design of a large television set. And another that features a fork and spoon. I have yet to figure out how to work these cloths into our products!

Which brings me to an interesting point. Our American customers generally want to buy something that looks "African". It is the Africans themselves who often want American looking cloths. People here like the cloth with the television set because to them it is a sign of westernization, of money and success. People like the cloth with the fork and spoon, even though culturally, they usually eat with their hands. In fact there is a large selection of cloths that I never even look at, because they look too American to me. They are usually large floral patterns, in bright pinks and oranges. They look like they belong in my grandparents house. To me, they look exactly like curtains from the fifties. However no one here has those preconceptions, they just look like pretty flowers to them. And so they are popular for clothing, even among the young and hip. So ironically, my problem is often not that cloths are too "African" but that they aren't "African' enough.

There are also a large number of religious cloths here, which might make nice wall hangings but are often used for clothing. They are printed with images of Jesus, or Mary, or the Pope. Being that these are usually worn as wrap-around skirts, you can imagine the amusing outfits we often see walking around Goma. The Pope's image, in all seriousness, often appears directly on a woman's backside, and seems to move up and down with the movement or her walking. It is a whole new way to bring pictures to life.

The SHONA women have been working with me for a while now, and have gotten pretty good at predicting what types of cloths I will choose. And often we do like the same cloths anyway. But still, if you want to know what kind of cloths the women would choose themselves, you will see soon enough. Starting in September, our craftspeople will be choosing the cloths themselves. So make sure you stay tuned...you might just see some cloth with television sets after all!